“We are live in 5…4…3…()…()…”
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PHIL
Goooood morning Phoenix! I’m Phil Xander, and this blonde bombshell to my left is Nancy Powinski. Welcome to Fine Fresh Phoenix on AZ3: The Only News You Need In Your Feed™.
NANCY
(forced chuckle) Thank you, Phil. Our lead story today, the excessive heat warning remains in effect—
PHIL
It is HOT. Cars are catching fire… fire, Nancy! People are staying indoors, pools are evaporating faster than they can be filled. But at least I’m saving money using my dashboard as an oven!
NANCY
That’s nice. This week has seen record highs across the valley. Planes have been grounded–
PHIL
It won’t let you leave…
NANCY
–and people are being urged to stay indoors unless absolutely necessary. Remember to bring plenty of water if you absolutely must go outside.
On a lighter note, we have the creator of Kitten Mittens in-studio this morning. These are taking the country by storm. But first, let’s turn to our Eye in the Sky, Chic Serbman, for a look at valley traffic. Chic, how are things looking this morning?
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CHIC
Thank you, Nancy. Most freeways are fairly clear at the moment, with only a small fender-bender on the 101 Price Freeway northbound at Broadway; both cars are on the shoulder, but there is slowing in both directions. However, we’re seeing heavy delays on the 202 near Sky Harbor. A car stalled in the HOV lane and subsequently burst into flames. Thankfully the driver was able to escape unharmed –
PHIL
Did he remember to bring the burgers to that car-beque?!
CHIC
Right… Otherwise, things are looking good to start our morning.
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NANCY
Chic, that really emphasizes the fact that it is dangerous out there. The heat is NOT something to take lightly. Stay inside if—
CHIC
Nancy, I’m over Papago Park, and there is a large group of deranged individuals roaming the amphitheater stairs.
<CAMERA CUTS TO PAPAGO PARK AMPHITHEATER>
PHIL
(muttering) Zombie apocalypse. No living being can withstand this heat.
CHIC
They’re… they’re waving. I am at a loss for words, ladies and gentlemen.
PHIL
Are they staggering? Moving slowly? Is there rotting flesh falling from their decaying bodies?
CHIC
No, they appear to have plenty of water. They even have several water cannons, which a few are using to spray the rest down.
PHIL
My God: witches. Water melts witches. Chic, we need to save them. Can you throw down a rope for the survivors?
CHIC …
<CAMERA CUTS TO ANCHORS. NANCY IS HOLDING A SIGN WITH “CUT HIS MIC” PRINTED ON IT. SHE QUICKLY PUTS IT AWAY>
NANCY
Well, it appears that our friends at the free fitness movement November Project are having fun this morning. We’ve seen them Wednesdays prior; clearly, they weren’t joking when they told us that they’re, quote, “hashtag weatherproof.” (chuckles)
If you do go outside, follow November Project’s lead: bring plenty of water; get out early, before the heat sets in; find a bombastic group to keep you entertained.
PHIL
<Speaking, no audio.>
NANCY
Sorry folks, Phil seems to be having difficulty with his mic.
<CAMERA CUTS TO GREEN ROOM, TO A MAN GIVING A THUMBS UP IN A SHORT-SLEEVED SHIRT AND TOO-SHORT TIE. IN FRONT OF HIM IS A CLEARLY-AGITATED CAT IN HOMEMADE BOOTIES.>
Up next: He created an empire one paw at a time. We’ve got the inside scoop on a truly claw-some company that wants to give your feline friends some serious cat-itude. Stay with us, we’ll be talking with the creator of Kitten Mittens in just a mew-ment.
Wisconsin Notes
- Community Challenge! If you haven’t, get out to one of our four locally-owned restaurants! Grab some buds and drop some Social Media while at Cheese N Stuff (Uptown), Mrs. White’s (Downtown), House of Tricks (Downtown Tempe), and Sugar Bowl (Old Town Scottsdale). Use the hashtag #NPlovesAZ and you will be entered to WIN some FREE STUFF. Each restaurant is one entry, and you get a bonus if you snag a photo with an owner. The contest ends Friday, June 30, and we’ll be announcing the winner shortly after, so get on it!
- We’d like help with COLD water and beverages for summer workouts. We have the blue cooler for water, but we’d appreciate help with ice and additional water to spray people down with.
- Steven Gilliam, we missed you this morning.
- Century Club! July 5 is our two-year anniversary, and we’re planning something BIG. Let’s beat the heat by having more people than the daily high. We need you to help RECRUIT. #NPHOMEWORK: Talk to someone you don’t know and hype NP to them. Ask us if you need help with an elevator pitch, but you’ll do fine if you actually love this shit and convey that excitement. Get out of your comfort zone; trust us, you’ll appreciate it afterward.
Omg this is AMAZING!!!!!!!