Hi friends. I originally planned to write this post anonymously because sometimes I am a little mouse. But then I changed my mind and decided to own the fact that I’m writing it. So anyways, hi! I’ve been around for a while. If you don’t know me, that’s not totally shocking – I’m quiet. So pale I glow in the dark. Sometimes I bring baked goods to NP. I have a tattoo that was 100% a case a collegiate tattoo envy, but I still like it. Not remotely the point of this post. I’m also a raging, recovering (???) perfectionist. Perhaps that’s more in line with the point.
What this post is really about is acknowledging the darkness that swirls around the immense light in what we subject ourselves to. We’re crazy. Nuts. I reject “normal” as an absolute, but we’re still wackos by nearly anyone’s definition. I devolved into an exhausted puddle of giggles a few days ago reflecting that I’d spent a weekend with friends biking ridiculous distances to cheer on other friends running ridiculous distances. And that is a beautiful thing.
But there’s darkness there too. A few weeks ago I went for a glorious long run, and the next day I was broken. Everything hurt, I limped down my hallway, and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t run as hard or as fast or as long as the people around me. If only I pushed myself a little bit harder, then I’d get there. If I worked through the pain, signed up for another race, crushed it, then I’d have succeeded – whatever that means.
I’m a watcher, sometimes to an unintentionally creepy degree. I watch people whom I love feel deeply guilty about taking a day off. I see friends stacking injuries because what is on the other side of not running is more terrifying than what is on the other side of running. Our demons take different forms, but whatever they are they are worth acknowledging.
If none of this resonates, I’ll, with a joy-filled heart, be the only nut job out there. I doubt that’s the case.
All this is to say that on those days/weeks/months when you’re not feeling the self-love, remember there are others feeling the you-love. We’ve got an amazing group of the finest humans that celebrate rather than judge us on our off days. So when you miss a race or post a long run that was just completely off pace (and is now on Strava for the whole entire universe to know), don’t be quite so hard on yourself. You have surrounded yourself with people who want you to be your best, most wonderful, most healthy self. Embrace your crazy, and once in awhile remember to question it.
That’s all. Peace out. Run on. <3.