Warning: this post is long and heartfelt but it means more to me than any other blog I’ve written to date. So here goes…
A few years back, long before I was a co-leader of this insane movement, my grandfather was reaching the ripe old age of 90 years old. For some, this age might involve mental challenges such as forgetfulness or confusion. For others (like my gramps), it just meant not being able to move around as easily, or do some things we all might take for granted (like get up and use the bathroom or feed yourself).
So Jack Payne was forced to lay in bed, day after day, watching the same old shitty television, and (I can only assume considering his astute knowledge of useless movie trivia) reading, and re-reading the depths of IMDB-somehow even though he didn’t know how to use the Internet. The point I’m trying to make is–the guy was sharp.
He didn’t lose shit.
He didn’t forget shit (except for how to turn the tv off and on–which was somewhat remarkable considering it was his primary daily activity).
He remembered. When you came to visit last. What you talked about. What your girlfriend and he talked about 2 weeks ago. That he still didn’t have grandkids and “you should work on that.”
Everything.
He didn’t have much in his day-to-day, but he had me. At the time, I was lucky enough to work from home. And live close enough that I could zip over to his nursing home or hospital room for an hour here and there. Or work from his bedside. I’d help him eat his green mush, or red mush. Maybe even a little brown mush with weird frosting. Help him get to the bathroom. Or take him for a spin around the block even though it was “too freakin freezing in New England!” And fuck yeah, I snuck him beers every now and then! He didn’t need much help. Heck, there were times that we’d just sit in silence next to each other, and I’d work, and he’d listen to Steve Harvey tell him what the survey said. But I showed up.
It was all I could do. Yes, I was lucky that I could make time to go see him, but I also made time to go see him. Which are two very different things. As you all know, there’s a difference between being able to show up, and just showing up.
It wasn’t always fun or easy. It was a hard thing to watch. It was hard to take time out of my schedule. Life is busy. But I know for a fact that he appreciated the crap out of it, and that my family appreciates that I was able to be there. I also know for a fact that I actually got to meet that stubborn old man in the last few years of his life. It was this weird, magically fucked up way to meet someone I had only kind of known my whole life–caring for him in ways typically only parents care for kids, but also getting to meet a man with many more years of knowledge and wisdom under his belt. It was cool. “Just show up” doesn’t just apply to November Project. It applies to life.
So one Thursday night I called my family and told them that Gramps wasn’t going to make it too much longer and that if they wanted to say goodbye, now was their chance to do it. He ended up dying that Saturday. It was a very strange moment for me. It was very hard, but not at all sudden. Knowing it was coming is something I’m oddly proud of. Getting to know him on such a level that allowed me to give my family a last chance to say goodbye.
Sometimes just showing up is all we can do. Sometimes just showing up is all that’s required. Sometimes showing up allows you to meet an old man who just needed a friend at the end of it all. And sometimes just showing up teaches you that just showing up for each other is all we really need. You never know when it might make a difference. Make sure to show up for your friends and family. Hold ’em tight. And show up for them always.
Much Love,
– C. Payne
P.S. True story, right as I was finishing this blog, some dude in a maroon jacket walked by me and let out 6 very wet farts right in a row while hobbling (I hope) to the bathroom. Something Jack probably would’ve found hilarious, and a great way to end this blog. Happy Wednesday!
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You are such a wonderful human Chris. Proud and lucky to have you in my life. And thanks for the reminder. It’s all about ‘just showing up.
WOW – that was inspiring
Thank you for sharing. Elin Flashman shared November Project with his ol’aunt in DC. I cannot “show up ” all the time,but I am now wearing my “tagged ” winter coat all the time. We will be back after Santa trims his beard.