To our Amercian tribe,
Today was a glorious day for Canada and thus, for the World. Our wonderful homeland altered alcohol consumption laws overnight, ignored labor laws to keep our establishments open and switched Church to Monday so that we could watch the men’s final hockey game as a nation united at 5AM Mountain Standard Time. Roads and beds were empty, people choosing instead to stand in line outside the bars at 4AM in -30 degrees Celsius to get a good seat or congregating as tribes at each others homes consuming copious amounts of pure maple syrup, Tim Hortons coffee and beaver bacon.
We witnessed a display of pure domination, the way in which our boys didn’t even let Sweden have a chance was so un-polite it made Canadians collectively blush and fist pump simultaneously. As the final seconds came off the clock it marked not only another example of why our motherland must continue it’s tradition of demanding that our children must be taught to skate and then walk but it also put our country ahead of yours in the Gold medal count.
The consequences of a collection of states with 300 million being bettered by a humble colony of 30 million are severe but tempered when compared to the past defeats you have received from us. Your White House will not burn but we will demand certain things from you. You will now refer to your winter hats with proper terminology, toques (pronounced tukes). Can you please include the vocabulary of “please” and “thank you” into your daily routines? Use these words when you either want something or receive something. Thank you. (Example. “Hi Nadim, it’s Brogan. Can you please tell us how you all got to be so rad? Thank you.”) Our final demand is that you will learn the names our our provinces and their geographical location to eliminate the need for us to embarrass you when we let you know that in fact we do not know your buddy Ted from Toronto because he does not live close to Edmonton, at all. We will revisit these conditions in 4 years when the next Olympic games take place. That’s right, 4 not 2, because nobody really cares about the Summer games anyway.
Please enjoy the included video, from start to finish, which features tribe members performing Billboard Canada’s number one hit for the years 1980-2014.
Thank you and love from your northern brothers and sisters and second cousins.
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