The Weirdest Safari Ever (Tommy’s 4th Bday)

tommy bday

Hello and welcome. Welcome to the NPSF Golden Gate Park Jungle Safari ride. Please keep your arms, legs, and running accessories inside the vehicle at all times. Make sure to give our friendly bus driver Braden a funny stare or awkward hug on your way in. I’m your dinosaur tour guide, Mr. Zip. I know, I have a big head and little arms, I get it all the time.

Before we get moving, we’ve got birthdays to recognize first and foremost. Tommy, would you mind standing up? What’s that? Only if the Tings hold your hand? Can someone get the Tings back there? Thank you. Tommy, Happy Birthday. The tribe wouldn’t be the same without you or your parents. Thanks for making us feel inadequate for working out without toddlers strapped to us and for humbling every male member of the tribe. We get it, we’re not as cute as the other kinds of humans.

And there’s also a Chris Wilson birthday I’m being told. Oh we don’t have time to sing him happy birthday? Right, sorry Chris. Looks like everyone likes this 4 year old more than you. Damn kids am I right? Okay, let’s get this bus moving. Mr. Engel, hit the gas!

Now, this isn’t just any old safari. We’ve got animals you wouldn’t expect to see anywhere near the word “safari” and that’s just what makes this special. Here to your left you’ll see a McCloskey Wild Cow. She yields neither milk nor meat but is still valuable. Don’t you forget that. You’ll also see her cow companion, Heather. What? Two cows? Is this already the most exciting safari you’ve ever been on? Knew it.

laura cow 1

If you look right you’ll see about four cats. They’re all different breeds and I forgot what kind. Doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure they snuck in here. Oh, watch out Braden! That there is Holly the Giraffe. She actually would be in a typical safari which ironically makes her pretty out of place here. Everyone wave–hi Holly!

Oh there’s Tony the Banana! You can usually find him near Holly the Giraffe. I know what you’re thinking (and didn’t you actually say this Tommy?), what’s a banana doing in a safari? We don’t really know either. But we love him anyway. Tony the banana everyone!

Tony the banana

Ah here’s a neat pairing. Here’s Charles the Unicorn and Mitch the uhhh…Hey Braden, what’s Mitch again? Oh he’s a mime, got it. Charles the Unicorn and Mitch the Mime. They’ll make you feel good no matter what. Mitch’s hugs don’t need sound and rumor has it Charles’ homemade rice crispy treats are actually what’s at the end of the rainbow he’s always frolicking on.


To round out the tour, if you take a look left you’ll see Kylie the Elephant and Lydia the Penguin. Oh you didn’t know that a penguin and an elephant could be best friends? Neither did we. Kylie actually feeds, shelters, and pumps up all the other animals (and Tony the Banana). Oh and she makes great cakes. Surprisingly dextrous that one. Especially for not having hands.

And here we are back at the parking lot–oh no, he’s loose again. Matt! Get out of there! I don’t care that you brought a noodle or floaties or a massive turtle to ride with. Do we have any fish in this safari that can help us?

Have a great weekend everyone!


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