Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Today’s guest post brought to you by Tommy:

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I woke up because my dada came into my room when I was still sleeping and told me it was time for November Project. I told him: “No. I do not want to go to November Project,” and I started to cry a little bit. So my dada said we did not have to go and I could go back to sleep. But I told him I did not want to go back to sleep. He said it was up to me…that we could go to Alta Plaza or stay in our new house. That made me more mad, because my rule is that Dada has to call it “Alta Vista,” not Alta Plaza. So I cried again and said that I did not want to stay and I did not want to go, but Dada said that we had to pick one. Today was already a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Dada decided we should go to November Project, so we got ready and got in Mama’s car, but instead of going straight across the new Bay Bridge like I wanted, we stopped and picked up Kristyn. She said “good morning!” to me, but I did not want her to do that. I had just made a rule that there was no talking while we listened to my Bug Family Band CD and, before she even got into the car, she had already broken my rule. Then Mama gave me my milk bottle, and Dada gave me three pieces of his Cliff Bar, but I wanted bigger pieces, and when I asked for one more big piece, he said he was sorry but there was no more Cliff Bar. I did not like that at all. Today was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

When we got to Alta Vista, Mama carried me up the stairs, and I only wanted the big girls to say “hi” to me but some of the big boys said “hi” too, and that was bad. I don’t like it when the boys say “hi” to me, except for Paddy, because I want to be Paddy when I get bigger (except better, because I will have a megaphone that makes siren sounds like Deniz the Bumble Bee Ballerina and blue flip glasses like Emily Saul and I will live under the stairs at Harvard Stadium…but I digress). I also like it when Sunish says “hi” to me too, because when he gets close, I can try to kick him where he pees. The only thing is that sometimes I try to kick Sunish, but I kick Jorge or that new guy Sandeep by accident.

We all got close together, and Laura told people to be quiet because they were being too too loud. I am glad we moved to California because my friends at Harvard Stadium all yell very loudly and I like it when November Project whispers “good morning” (and the other confusing words they say when they’re jumping) so that it’s less scary. While Mama was jumping up and down, I felt a hand on my arm and I looked to see what Dada was doing, but it was not my dada. It was Sarah Ting! And then I saw Becca Ting smiling at me too. My favorite part of November Project is when I see the Tings. I like them so much that when we went to visit my friend Soli’s new baby sister at the hospital and their mama asked me what they should name her, I said they should name her “Sarah Ting.” And when she asked me if I had any other suggestions, I said: “If you don’t want to name Soli’s new sister Sarah Ting, then, umn, maybe you can name her Becca Ting.” Mama told me that the new baby is now named Naomi, so I guess they must like Naomi Lam better than the Tings.

A big, big jet airplane flew above us and no one noticed that it was blue like a Southwest Airplane, so I tried to tell all my November Project friends at once, but Mama told me to be quiet. Then, when I looked back at Sarah and Becca Ting, they were running away from me. They always do that and it makes me so sad that I cry a little bit. Mama said that we would see Sarah and Becca again in 25 minutes, but she still hasn’t told me what a minute is. I don’t think I like minutes. I also don’t like hours. The other day, Mama told me I could have her ice cream sandwich when she finished the Double Dipsea race. But then when I asked Dada for my ice cream sandwich, he said Mama would not be done racing for two more hours. I wanted Mama and my ice cream sandwich and Dada’s two more hours right then, but he would not give them to me.

While we chased slowly after the Tings, I tried to help my mama by telling her to go faster. And if she went too fast, I told her to slow down. Sometimes she stopped to do exercises on the ground, which I did not like, especially when people were doing the leg raises. Sometimes people joke about Mama doing sit-ups, but it is not funny because if she does sit-ups she will squish me, and that is very scary.

After a long time, Mama carried me back up the stairs and there was a tunnel of people. I told her I did not want to go through it, but she went anyway, and when we got to the end, we passed Sarah Ting! I got down from Mama’s back and climbed up to Sarah and she held me for a long time. People kept coming up to me. Mitch asked me if his arm pits smelled good or bad, which was funny. Charles gave me a huge, chewy piece of his rice crispy treat. Matt told me my name is Tom not Tommy, which reminded me of my grandpa. And then Paddy gave me a big smile and touched my hair when Mama told him that I was telling the big kids at the playground that my name is Paddy O’Leary.

Sarah held me for the picture, and then Mama and Dada came with me to the playground and I got lots of huge, huge pushes on the swing while Dada told very funny jokes about words that rhyme with squirrel. As we walked back to the car, I went down the stairs all by myself and I was as fast as a high-speed TGV train! And as I climbed into my car seat, Mama said that after we drop Dada at his work, we could get hot cocoa at the Sacks coffee store before we went to music class.

So far, I think my day is very good. How is your day?

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… OK, no fucking way Tommy wrote that.

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