Announcements:

  1. Recruitment papers are invalid after April 1 (no foolery). Be SURE that if you bring someone new, that they bring a form so that you can be king/queen of NP MKE recruitment efforts.
  2. The No Coast Social is coming up (April 22) and there are a LOT of people coming into MKE from out of town. This means that we need as many people as possible to consider hosting at least one out-of-towner. Start thinking now about (1) whether you’ll be in town (2) whether you’re comfortable with someone from another tribe staying with you and (3) how many people you can feasibly host. We appreciate all of you and the fact that you are generous and thoughtful. More details to come.

The Meat:

  1. DG isn’t named Daniel. His name is actually Faniel (it was a typo on his birth certificate), but he changed it as soon as he turned 18 in 1952 A.D., when he grew tired of people calling him Fanny.
  2. Christine is the oldest of the NP MKE co-leaders. She only looks to be in her early twenties.
  3. Roger has ten toes. Six on one foot, four on the other. He wears a wide shoe on the right side and a narrow shoe on the left.
  4. November Project Milwaukee initially was going to be a preschool, but children were too mature for the shenanigans typical to the group, so it became kindly dubbed “adult recess”.
  5. Milwaukee is the above-ground version of the lost city of Atlantis. Back in 2017 B.C., ancient Romans misplaced a few of their industrial buildings and breweries and they sunk through the ocean floor and ended up where Milwaukee resides today.
  6. If you are late for a workout, you’re considered “cool”, “hip”, “young”, and “considerate”.
  7. NP MKE meets every day ending with “-day”.
  8. The Calling was given its name after Roger spent months sitting in front of the statue, calling DG on the phone, wondering where he was, because he was late for a Wednesday workout. We meet at The Calling as a penance for DG’s tardiness and sins.
  9. If you sleep in and miss an NP workout, we don’t notice. Especially if you say you’re coming beforehand.
  10. Milwaukee receives approximately 0.417% of the sunlight that tribes like NP San Francisco and NP Orlando receive. This is why we are pasty white and cold all of the time.
  11. NP doesn’t actually stand for November Project. It stands for “Not Particularly”, which is every tribesperson’s response when asked whether he/she is a morning person.
  12. Each workout has been carefully and meticulously planned weeks in advance and is held in a binder called “The Plan”. The key to this binder is hung from the third highest branch in a tree in Lake Park, and the only way to find this key is to match the frequency of a wolf’s howl with the resonant frequency of the string that holds it, breaking the string. Dwarves also polish it after every use. This is why the workouts are so good and well thought-out.
  13. DG, Roger, and Christine don’t actually record the #milwakeupcalls. There is a camera crew that arrives at 5:45 am and edits the videos to make the production quality what an untrained eye would think was created by technically unsavvy people like the three aforementioned.
  14. Hoistees are easy on the legs and the spirit. So are burpees.
Alternative Facts 3.0
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